does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
