Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
