puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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