Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
It's no shave November. This is our time.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
