nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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