Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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