There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
