at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Randomize
