He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
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