I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
