if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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