we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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