I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize