just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
