The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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