I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
if only i could text you this smell
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
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