You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
i now understand why vodka
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
