life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Dicks are not precious.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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