I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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