Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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