if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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