I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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