Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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