he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
