The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
