My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
