Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
How's work?
Spinning.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
