...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize