Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
