I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
