I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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