if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
