You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
