You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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