Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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