shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
