Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
