I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
