hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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