dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
