Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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