I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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