Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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