i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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