While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
