she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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