I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
