tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
