winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
