i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
