Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
