I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize