i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Someone came in the potted fern
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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