When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
