Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
