Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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