so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
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