do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
