I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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