saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
