so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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