i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize