Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
