U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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