I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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